First a couple sent over by Mr. Dave. No, not Letterman, but still a Montana Resident and just as funny.
*It’s so cold out that necrophiliacs are telling their boyfriends to warm up their hands
*If you drink the water in Russia…. Do you get the Troskys? * Come on now, I know I can’t be the only one that’s ever wondered*
-‘Two cannibals were eating a clown – one said to the other, ‘Does he taste funny to you?’ -Tommy Cooper
-‘My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now and we don’t know where the hell she is.’ -Ellen DeGeneres
-‘I like to play chess with old men in the park, although it’s hard to find 32 of them.’ -Emo Phillips
-‘I thought I’d begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.’ -Spike Milligan *He does bring up a good point, though I don’t think it’s out of deliberate spite…*
-‘I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink and be Mary.’ -George Carlin *I thought it was a good time of the year for this*
-‘I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That’s the one thing I’m so indebted to her for.’ -WC Fields
And finally, one I’ve taken from the Eddie Murphy movie, “Coming to America“.
A man goes into a restaurant. You listenin’? A man goes into a restaurant. He sits down, he’s havin’ a bowl of soup. He says to the waiter; “Waiter, come taste the soup.”
Waiter says; “Is there something wrong with the soup?”
He says; “Taste the soup.”
Waiter says; “Is there something wrong with the soup? Is the soup too hot?”
He says; “Will you taste the soup?”,
Waiter says;”What’s wrong is the soup too cold?”,
He says;”Will you just taste the soup?”,
Waiter says;”All right, I’ll taste the soup. Where’s the spoon?”,
He says; “Ah-ha!”……………”Ah-ha”…………….