So, came across this on Twitter. It’s funny as hell, and also contains quite a bit of truth. Note to my fellow gun owners, some of you might be offended by this person. That’s OK, I’m here for you. Also, guys that aren’t very secure, you’re likely to be butt hurt. I’m here for you, too. On the other hand, if you can get over yourself, this is damn funny.
So, with all credit to Gabrielle Blair @ https://twitter.com/designmom/status/1225052177925799937
When I hear men worshipping guns and talking about how there’s nothing that will stop them from defending their family, my mind goes to Naaman in the Bible. Do you remember Naaman? He was a great military leader, and he also had leprosy.
The prophet told him to bathe in the Jordan River 7 times to be cured. He refused. In fact he was pissed off the cure was so simple. So his servants said: If he’d asked you to do some great thing, you would have done it, but you’re not willing to go bathe in the water?
That’s like men bragging about how they’re ready and willing to protect their family. They’re picturing doing *some great thing*, but protecting your family is almost always much more mundane.
A few conversations with God to illustrate:
Man: Hey God, I just want you to know I am committed to protecting my family at all costs.
God: Gosh, that’s great to hear.
One of the main things I need you to do to protect your family is laundry. Tons of laundry. You know kids… — they’re so susceptible to infections and viruses. Pinworms, athlete’s foot, lice, strep throat, colds and flues. Pneumonia and diarrhea are *serious killers* of children under five. The list is endless. So you’re going to need to do laundry pretty much daily.
Launder their socks & underwear, their sheets. Put their sneakers through the wash. I can’t emphasize this enough: protecting your family involves a lot of laundry.
Man: Oh. Um.
I was thinking more along the lines of a masked intruder with a gun at 2 AM raping my family.
God: First of all, stop fantasizing about your family being raped.
Second, do you know the stats on break-ins? The vast majority happen when no one is home, and only a small percentage are armed. Home alarms and dogs reduce the risk even more. Even if you do end up being the rare house with an armed-break-in-while-home, you want to shoot someone for over your TV? Isn’t that a ridiculous overreaction?
You’re not in the mob. I assure you there’s a slim-to-none chance you’ll need to defend your family at gun point.
If you really want to protect your family, laundry is where I need you to focus.
Man: But. But. I bought all these guns. And ammunition. And I’m telling you, if anyone threatens my family, I’ll be ready.
God: Is there anything you’re willing to do to protect your family that’s not the plot of an action/thriller?
God: I’d like you to protect your family.
Man: You bet. I’m ready. If anyone touches my kids, they are dead meat.
God. Okay. Well, to protect your family, the thing I need you to do is teach thorough hand-washing.
Basically, you’ll need to carefully wash your kids’ hands several times a day until they’re old enough to do it themselves. At that point you’ll need to supervise the hand-washing for several years until you know they’ve mastered it.
And from then on, you just need to spend another ten years asking them to wash their hands multiple times a day — before school, after school, before meals, after potty breaks, etc.. Cool?
Man: Well. Um.
Is there an assignment that’s more related to guns?
God: Nope. The main thing is hand-washing.
Having guns in the house actually puts your kids in harm’s way. Surely, as a protective parent, you’ve read about the dangers of keeping and storing guns at home?
God: Let me guess. If I need someone to dig a hole on an asteroid, plant a bomb in the hole to blow up the asteroid, in order to save the Earth, you’ll be first in line.
Man: HECK YES
Man: I’m ready to defend my family!! My guns and ammunition are stocked.
God: So glad to hear you’re ready to defend your family. Here’s the key thing I need you to do: Never drink alcohol again.
Man: Wait. What?
God: Well I’m sure you know motor vehicle accidents and gun accidents are top killers of children. And mixing alcohol with driving or guns makes them far riskier. If you’ve been drinking, there’s a higher likelihood you’ll drive drunk, lose your temper and hurt the kids…
… or just be irresponsible with your gun. So if you want to protect your family, I would recommend giving up alcohol as a good way to start.
Man: Can’t I just shoot some bad guys?
God: So then, NOT actually interested in protecting your family.
God: Are you ready and willing to protect your family?
Man: YES. Come at me. My house is fully armed and I keep a handgun under the passenger seat. I am READY.
God: Oh. Well. The thing I need you to do is feed your kids plenty of healthy food.
Do the grocery shopping. Plans the meals. Stock the fridge. Cook dinner. And of course, do the dishes and keep the kitchen clean because you don’t want harmful bacteria taking over.
Man: But. I mean. I don’t even know how to cook.
God: How did you learn about your weapons?
God: Are there cooking videos on Youtube?
[End of conversations]
I’m often told that men have instincts to protect their family and how Protector is their natural role.
I think the case can be more easily made that men have zero natural instincts to protect their family.
If such an instinct had evolved, why wouldn’t men check back with any woman they’d had sex with, to see if they’d caused a pregnancy?
How can we say men have an instinct to protect their family when there are children the world over with fathers who have no idea they exist?
It’s much easier to argue that mothers have a strong instinct to protect their families. Mothers still do the bulk (by far the bulk) of the parenting. Which means mothers do the real things that actually protect their kids every day all day long.
Men demanding guns for their role as protector-of-the-family are full of it. They are only willing to protect in make-believe instances that are never likely to happen. When asked to *actually* protect their family, by doing something like laundry, they can’t be bothered.