A brief note for those waiting for the end

With the Supreme Court ruling firmly in the books it has come to my attention via social and news media outlets that the End Times are surely near. While I am in awe of this truly remarkable feat of prognostication, especially given that the Bible is quite clear that no man shall know the date, I feel compelled to point a few other things out.

1st up is that while the United States has often felt the need to identify itself as a Christian nation, it is by no means the only one in existence.  Should the U.S.A. suddenly go the way of Godless heathens, there are still roughly eight to nine hundred million other Christians out there in the world today…

2nd is that while the our learned Supreme Court has now acknowledged that the government should stay the hell out of marriage, this ruling has not suddenly changed the sexual orientation of the members of this apparently fallen nation.  I was, of course, very concerned about my marriage and possibly reassigned sexual orientation, so I immediately conducted a rigorous scientific investigation into my sexuality.  After watching Die Hard, Terminator 2 and The Transporter, I have determined I feel no compunction to rip the clothes off of Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzeneggar or Jason Statham.  Fearing that I might only be attracted to the pretty boys, I also watched Fight Club and some god awful Ashton Kutcher film.  Alas, no feelings of desire or unrequited love came to me while I snacked on my soda and popcorn.  Comfortably convinced that I harbored no feelings of attraction towards the opposite sex, I can rest assured that the ruling has not suddenly turned us all into a nation of homosexuals headed for the Pit.

3rd point.  Although it is popular to beat one’s Christian chest and proclaim with passionate moral authority that the world is indeed facing the End Times and is headed straight to Hell, I have to ask, “How is this a problem?”  A Risen Christ back on Earth is something Christians are supposed to be looking forward to.  Paul expected Christ to return while he was still living, and he desperately looked forward to that moment.  Additionally, if He is coming back soon, we won’t be here.  There’s that whole Rapture thing, remember?  And finally, according to the Bible, the world has been going straight to Hell since at least the writings of Revelation.  The destination was never in doubt…

Hopefully this helps to put a perspective on current events, and for those of my fellows that have not had the time to reassure themselves of their sexuality, you can rest assured on the results of my very thorough experiment.


By Dan Granot

I chose the Shorter Whitman because of his work, "Song of Myself" and because of my self-deprecating sense of humor. I am under no illusion that I can write successful essays or poetry, but I have been known to write them anyway.


  1. What nonsense you spout.
    At no instant in my entire life have I not heard that the end-times were just moments away. Were all these hundreds of millions wrong? Is not King Juan Carlos the anti-Christ? As well as Begin, Khrushchev,Nixon, Amin, Andropov, Bush – I forget which one – Obama, and Putin? Have you lost all faith that the end is nigh?

    Oh, yes, also Pope John Paul I and Peter the Great.

    As for me and mine, I am looking to buy a Minuteman silo. If only I can keep the missile.

  2. I hear there can be good money in converting the ICBMs into possible rockets used for space transportation. Should you find a suitable dwelling, perhaps you should give Elon Musk a call.

  3. Immanentize the eschaton!

    That answer is for the wimps who cannot face the world as it is and take no joy in it. As children we revel in the simplicity of breaking it all down and letting daddy take care of it all. When we are men we put aside these childish ideas. [Not sexism, a literary quote.]

    Obama is misguided, but he is doing that which he believes will make the world a better place. The same is true for Ted Cruz, Pope Francis, and myself.

    Still, I would like a Titan silo. But if people get nervous about their fellow citizens owning pistols, what will they think of my ICBM??

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